At Least I Don't Burn the Beer

So, Phil sent just me this picture.

Some people would probably be offended, but I just had to laugh because that is pretty much a good representation of my cooking skills. I also had to laugh because not two minutes before getting this in my email I had been fishing a piece of burning toast out of the toaster with a huge plastic serving spoon that just happened to be the closest thing to me at the time. I came about two inches shy of hurling the toaster off the counter when I pulled the plug out of the wall. It's a good cooking experience for me when whatever I'm making doesn't set off the smoke detector, so today was actually not a complete failure.

My breakfast, plus "EW, time to scrub the sink with bleach!"

Stuff I can't make:

• Chili. This one only partially counts. I have this awesome vegetarian chili recipe that is one of the only things I make that turns out half-way decent. I always (seriously ALWAYS, like every! single! time!) end up scorching some of it to the bottom of the pot, but I've learned that I can ladle off the unburnt part and generally salvage most of it. 
• Toast. See above. I like to blame this on our $6 toaster.
• Toasted tree nuts of any kind. Almonds seem to be particularly problematic. They say that "a watched pot never boils." Take my word on it, a watched pan of toasting almonds totally burns... really quickly... like one second they are raw, and then a beautiful light brown color, and then, between the time it takes to turn off the heat and pull the pan away, they are black and smoking. 
• Hard boiled eggs. You'd think this would be an easy one, but did you know that eggs will actually EXPLODE if you forget to turn off the burner and then leave it the pot on the stove long enough that all of the water evaporates?! You do now! In fact, they explode with such force that some of it will end up on the ceiling. They also make a loud POP noise when they blow up.
• Margaritas. Well, really, anything involving a blender. When we moved out of our old house and were taking the furniture out, we found strawberry margarita on the family room wall, which was like 30 feet from the kitchen. Apparently that's how far strawberries fly when you forgot to put the lid on the blender.  

I can make macaroni and cheese, veggie burgers (in the microwave only), spaghetti with jarred sauce, and salad. I also serve a mean bowl of canned peaches.

I'm also really good at ordering take-out and putting it on plates.

Finally, just like the fifties housewife in the meme Phil sent me, I'm good at opening a nice, tall, bottle of beer. Thank goodness for that.